A letter from a broken heart:
I hear that you want us to be friends after you walk out of our years of a passionate relationship. You want us to step down from being lovers to friends. But no, we can’t be friends, at least now.
Because friends have clear intentions and expectations, ours is jumbled up. I can’t see you doing the same things you did to me, to someone else, something that belonged to me, given to someone else.
I need to be done. I need to be over you. I need you to be either here or out. It's not a race dear, in which if I don't end up winning the game you will offer me a consolation prize!
I can’t pretend that we never had anything between us. I can’t pretend that I will not miss and crave your touch. I can't do middle-of-the-road stuff like you, for me, it's either a complete thing or nothing else. There is no in-between for me, no half-hearted stuff.
Right now it hurts that suddenly I’m not worth your time. Not worth your patience. Not worth your energy.
It hurts. It hurts badly to see how you have moved away. How the places where we had planned for our future remain the same, but our future together is nowhere.
The future that I thought will exist one day or someday as a reality before you changed our reality. A day came in your life when you decided to be out of love, or you stopped feeling the way you did.
When did it happen you felt like running away, just when I asked you to formally commit to our relationship?
How your feelings and affection suddenly disappeared?
How someone else took my place?
Did it seem so easy to you?
I still have no idea why your feelings faded away. It was you who pursued me and convinced me to be together. Slowly, you won me over with your effort, not your charm.
As much as I loved you, I didn't see it coming when you asked me to part ways. Maybe for you, it was a video game that you played with all your efforts. Trying to get past the hurdles and barriers of the game at each level, up until you reach the final level.
And once it's completed, you are done with the game and you never play the game again as you know the excitement of the game, the hurdles, the barriers, the tricks, and the cheats. But this was not a video game.
Today, when you say we will remain friends and stay in each other’s lives. The truth is, I can't remain friends with you. Because friends don’t torture each other the way we do. Friends don't betray. And most importantly, friends don't lie.
Friendships aren’t this complicated; they aren’t this much work. We have never heard of friendships not working out. Friends may not keep in regular touch with each other as often as we do, but the relationship doesn't turn bitter as ours did.
Right now it feels like slowly peeling off the Band-Aid and then reapplying it a little, just to peel it off again. It’s torture and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to end this once and for all.
Maybe one day, when my wounds are healed, when my heart has stopped lurching at your sight, when my aches have lost their intensity, maybe then.
Or maybe then too, I would want to know you just as an acquaintance. An acquaintance who was my everything at one point in time, an acquaintance with whom I shared my deepest fears, an acquaintance with whom I invested my trust. But as we all know very well not all investments are profitable or positive, ours fell in the same lot.
Right now! it’s complicated, as I have loved you with my whole heart, I have dreamt of being together, spending our lives together, growing old together.
But today, I lifted my gaze to look deep into your eyes to find out where I stand in your life. People say eyes give away what you hide. And this mesmerizing face and eyes held me captive for years. But today, when I look at you, you seem different. As if, I don’t know you. Today your gaze lacks the warmth that enveloped me, the care, the desire to stay forever with me, all of which washed off.
Right now, who is sitting in front of me is not the one I knew for years. Right now I can see my reflection wiping away and a new image taking over. So how much do you try to convince me that we want different things in life, that it is for our good that we part ways; I just can’t believe your words because I kept you close enough to hear you beyond your words.
I can’t hear your ramblings. I’m busy picking pieces of my broken heart and shattering self, but I keep my face straight; at least I can save my self-respect.
You are right, we have good times together, that is true. We had good fun times when I did exactly what you wanted me to do. Yes, you wanted all the fun with no strings attached.
But now, when I wanted you to commit, your fun started dying. Emotions, love, and care are no fun for you. They hold you back like a heavy chain tied to your body, that's what you said.
Now you find the missing spark and the freshness dying. And you have already found the new address to have it all, a new spark and a new video game.
After all, you found someone else to give you the same spark. I don't know how long will this spark last, but I want to know if and when it ends will you offer a friendship proposal there too?
No, we can’t be friends, at least for now, until my wounds are fresh and searing. Maybe someday when I could forgive you and when you wouldn’t matter to me, then I might think of staying friends.
Now I have to start again, building myself, building the faith. Right now I’m busy crying my heart out.
I can't be friends until I'm over that pain; until I forgive you for what you've done. Until I regain my self-esteem back. Until I regain my trust back. Until I regain myself back.
Maybe someday when you want us to be what friends are like, not because you want to feel good about yourselves.
Maybe someday when you don't offer a friendship proposal just for the sake of doing what is the trend?
Yes, being friends after a relationship is trending on social media. But no thanks, friends trust each other and I won’t trust you again.