Love is the driving force, but sometimes we don’t understand why it is hard to find love? We crave love, how much we grow old and deny, but mostly stay starved.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Few days back, I realised that my wallet was missing, I immediately stepped out and searched my car, passage and the places I visited since it went missing, but no success. I came back home disappointed. Then I opened my cupboard and found my wallet, giving me a sarcastic smile. I wasted long hours on searching without first looking inside the house. How stupid of me.
And that’s what exactly we do when it comes to love. We leave the obvious and start looking at wrong places.
Similarly, I spend years seeking love, affection, validation and reassurance without realising that no one else but I have to give this to myself first.
I didn’t know what was wrong? I was desperately seeking love. I tried over- pleasing, sacrificing, conformity, everything but nothing worked.
The moment I get serious in the relationship and commit the other person would run away or down-play my feelings. Leaving me heartbroken, dejected and hurt.
Then I realised something was not right, I had to figure it out what. My search ended when I identified the barriers holding me from getting what I wanted badly.
When you believe that you are not worthy of love, you run to others to get that assurance.
Someone who can tell you that you are worthy, you constantly need that assurance to hold that belief and that’s the problem number one.
A simple rule, what do you want from others, give it first. Give yourself the love, respect, attention, admiration you want. If you can’t do this to you and others, why someone else do.
Once I knew what I needed to get rid of, I was on a path of success. Here are the five things you also need to remove to change your relationship dynamics.
The first one is:
Neediness: My search for love made me needy. I was begging and asking – which is a real turn off.
The moment you become needy, people start walking away from you. Mostly because neediness comes out of a shaky sense of self, sinking self-worth and clingy dependency.
All sobbing, whining, and cribbing, hinders the love you crave. People are driven by their own needs, when you add your baggage of neediness, it somehow lessens your worth and show you as a clingy, burden and dependent.
In a relationship, most of the partner considered it as a flaw and an undesirable trait.
Neediness implies that “I am unable to value myself, please! you love and tell me how valuable I am.”
Since you are unable to know your worth, how the other person would?
Emotional neediness is often the outcome of Attachment style, which could have roots in the past.
It could be because of emotionally unavailable parents, or previous toxic relationships, which linger in your unconscious mind and reflect on your current anxious behaviour . And this anxious behaviour could make your partner run for a mile.
Because Human mind attracts things which are limited or hard to get. That’s why in marketing they use ‘special addition'.
Value yourself first before asking others to do so. When you give; give without expecting in return.
“I gave you a gift, where is mine?” sounds dud.
Want things but without being needy.
There is a difference in:
I want them to love me.
Can you love me, please!
Insecurity creeps in when you are in love. You get scared to lose what you have. The moment insecurity makes it way: panic button gets pressed and you start doing what you shouldn’t be doing. You start doubting and losing faith in self and others.
You unknowingly press the pedal, which takes you downhill. A healthy relationship requires healthy interdependence.
Insecurity taxes others. When you constantly look for assurance and validation, your partner gets tired.
Constantly checking phone, texting and calling
Stalking social profiles
Getting anxious when calls or messages are not immediately responded
Asking million questions about the whereabouts and being suspicious of each relationship
Constantly thinking that you are no good and would be dumped anytime
A relationship requires confidence, but partial truths and un-reassured insecurities ruin it.
Lack of confidence:
Neediness breeds insecurity, and insecurity erodes confidence. Even a positive and confident personality is shaken by self-doubt which later starts reflecting in the behaviour. A constant worry and fear of abandonment looms over. Desperation for love actually takes away your emotional stability and confidence, ruining what you have.
Jealousy is the by-product of lack of confidence and low self-esteem. When you feel insecure and have self-doubt, you get jealous and fear of abandonment takes over. You constantly compare, track your partner involvement and develop trust issues.
Jealousy is a natural tendency, but plaguing come across as desperate. It stems from your unconscious belief that you are not worthy of love and you could be left for someone better.
You keep calling your partner and hounding by asking a million questions over and over, proving yourself as a run-of-the-mill.
Over-protection cramped people. It sounds needy and suffocating. Giving healthy space makes the partner feel you have faith in them and yourself. Contrary excessively protective or demanding behaviour chokes up the partner.
Negativity and harsh words:
Negativity slays up relationships and people. Most of us consciously and unconsciously create atmosphere where negativity breeds. No good could come out of a negative attitude and environment. And when you use harsh words they act as venom, and slaughtered the relationship.
Love we all seek, but want love instead of being needy. Remove these barriers from your behaviour and open your arms with positivity to embrace love.
Related: How to stop neediness and bring love in your life.
Leave a comment to let us know what you have learnt in your relationship and how you have overcome the barriers.