Find out how your neediness affecting your love life and what you can do to fix it.
Emotional neediness in relationship often leads to clinginess which changes the relationship dynamics. Neediness means you have certain emotional unmet needs and deprivation, and you want someone else to fulfill them.
Neediness arises out of 'primal panic' fear of losing human connection, abandonment and emotional isolation. As we are hard-wired to connect. This fear of abandonment could also be an outcome of a neglected childhood.
This fear drives and induces helplessness, and passivity. Even when you know that the fear you hold is unreasonable, still you panic and your mind takes you on the route to hold to what you have. This leads you to act desperately, look for constant assurance, and conjure your way out to avoid losing.
However, when a partner constantly seeks assurance, validation, and attention, then it gets tiring for the other partner. Because a healthy relationship is based on codependency and balanced give and take. Otherwise, the irrational, insecure behaviour gets overwhelming and suffocating for others.
Neediness might lead to certain desperate behavior, like:
Constantly calling, texting partner to keep a check on them and the panic buttons get pushed within minutes of partner non-response.
Following/Stalking on social media to keep a tap on activities. Who are the friends? Who he/she is talking to?
Not standing up for self. Tolerating disrespectful behavior out of fear of losing them.
Constantly seeking assurance for love and validation.
Conversation often ends up with either pleading or accusing.
Craving for contact but unable to make clear request, instead choosing passivity.
Such behaviors are mostly the outcome of fear of desertion and abandonment.
How to reduce neediness?
First, understand that there's nothing wrong in having a need. Having needs is natural and you can't abandon your needs and feelings. Otherwise you live in denial and develop avoidant style.
The problem arises when, your needs and fears get tangled up.
Reducing neediness doesn't mean you ignore your need or don't ask for it, and live in denial.
It means removing the fear associated with it, being clear with your need and effectively communicating it.
For that, you should attend your need and remove the fear brewing inside you.
So, when fearful thoughts hound you:
Address and acknowledge them.
Write it down, what do you fear, and get clarity on what exactly you want?
How do do think your need could be fulfilled?
What are you expecting from the other person and what they can do to fulfill your need.
Then, communicate it clearly.
Like, if you want your partner to give you time, clearly ask for it. Tell what bothers you and what do you expect.
So now instead of plaguing yourself with the act of desperation and questioning yourself:
Why am I needy? Is there a way to remove clingy behaviour? How to stop being a needy partner?
Reduce your neediness by taking up some actionable items, like:
Know your worth:
Neediness mostly creeps out of the low self-esteem. When you don't value yourselves. You don't know your self-worth and capability. Then you constantly look outside to get that assurance on your self-worth.
So when you are starting a romantic relationship outside, build a relationship with yourself first. Otherwise, you would be in a constant disharmony. And a strong self-acceptance starts with knowing yourself well. Discover yourself in case you have not done it yet; do it now.
Figure out who you exactly are, not what others think of you and want from you. Otherwise, how long can you spend your life pretending and doing things which you don't want and are not aligned with your true self.
Your likes and dislikes.
Your strength and weakness.
Your aspirations and dreams.
Look in the mirror, accept yourself for who you are, with all your flaws and strengths, embrace and believe that you're worth it.
And know your worth and flaws - accept and embrace them.
At any time your actions reflect neediness, instead of beating up and internalising yourself as needy, tell yourself that this act seems needy, and you should avoid such actions.
Sometimes you avoid expressing clearly in order to get acceptance from others. But this act doesn't last long, as it makes you feel out of sync with your true self.
Consequently, you drop hints, use the silent treatment to ‘Pu
nish, Scare’ or Push' your partner. Slowly these start impacting the quality of your relationship.
So clearly communicate what you like, dislike and want, without feeling guilty, but do it politely.
Avoid holding up things and not speaking up; otherwise it creates disharmony inside you which reflects outside.
Knock off Disrespect:
Don’t sacrifice your soul and make the other person centre of your universe, especially during the early days of a relationship. This doesn't mean you don't value your relationship. It means keeping room for your own life, activities, other people in your life, or things important to you. Soul sacrifice bites you in the long run. It might elevate your partner initially, but later they might find it repulsive.
Relationships work on mutual sacrifice and adjustments. When only one partner makes all the sacrifices and adjustments, then it gets overbearing and creates an environment of anxiousness and distress, affecting the longevity of the relationship.
After all, how long can you single-handedly burden yourself, bruise your self-esteem or put up with stuff that makes you feel worthless?
So choose what works for both - balance is the key.
Get a life of yours:
Get yourself a life. It means do things what you want to do. Have dreams and life goals. Find out your passion. What are you good at and get going.
Whatever you need, go for it, instead of expecting others to do it for you, do it on your own.
Ask yourself, “How can I meet my own needs instead of pleading others?
Needs are a basic driving force. We need need. It gets problematic when fear of abandonment and deprivation start driving us. Instead of discarding need to reduce neediness remove the fear, and act what brings the best out of you.
So chase what is worth chasing. You can do it! When you know and believe in your capabilities. Most important, value yourself and give and take respect.
When you respect yourself, your partner also respects you. When you don't respect yourself, why other's would do.